Mushroom Hunter Safety Education Exam . . .

A tongue-in-cheek look at shrooming safety - shared by fellow shroomer Reg Klubeck. Enjoy!

MICHIGAN DEPARTMENT OF RIDICULOUS NONSENSE

FUNGUS ENFORCEMENT DIVISION

MUSHROOM HUNTER SAFETY EDUCATION EXAM

As required under the authority of Act 48236, M.I. 2004 as amended, to qualify for a license to hunt mushrooms

INSTRUCTIONS:

This exam consists of 24 questions, half are true and false and half are multiple choice. At least 20 have to be answered correctly to pass this exam.

TRUE OR FALSE: Read each exam statement carefully, to the left of the questions, place an X in the box under the T if the statement is true or under the F if the statement is false. Make certain the answer marked corresponds to the question you are working on.

T F

1. 􀁆 􀁆 When eating a wild mushroom, it is not necessary to know if it is poisonous or not as long as you have a strong stomach.

2. 􀁆 􀁆 When walking behind another mushroom hunter, it is important to make sure your fly is zipped.

3. 􀁆 􀁆 Morel mushrooms may be purchased in cans at the supermarket.

4. 􀁆 􀁆 You are responsible for obeying fungus hunting laws, even if you are allergic to mushrooms.

5. 􀁆 􀁆 Hypothermia is the term for when you sauté mushrooms in lightly salted water.

6. 􀁆 􀁆 One way to prevent heat exhaustion is to toss the mushrooms gently with oil and vinegar.

7. 􀁆 􀁆 Telling others where you are going to hunt mushrooms is not necessary, because you would never get lost in the woods, would you?

8. 􀁆 􀁆 Morel spawn has been domesticated, and can now be grown at home.

9. 􀁆 􀁆 Beefsteak mushrooms get their name from the fact that they grow near cow pastures.

10. 􀁆 􀁆 Never carry Beefsteak and Morel mushrooms in the same bag, as they might cross-pollinate, and Button Mushrooms could result.

11. 􀁆 􀁆 Fall is the only time when you can hunt mushrooms from an elevated platform.

12. 􀁆 􀁆 It is illegal to sell wild mushrooms in exchange for Canadian currency.

MULTIPLE CHOICE: Read each statement carefully, place an X in the correct box (A, B, C or D) to the left of the questions which best completes the statement. Make certain that the answer marked corresponds to the question you are working on.

13. Which includes 4 funding sources for Mushroom Hunter Education?

a. 􀁆 State Wildlife Agencies, Local Businesses, Walt Disney World, You.

b. 􀁆 Pittman-Robertson Funds, Roth IRAs, secure Swiss bank accounts, undiversified stock portfolios.

c. 􀁆 Pennsylvania Dutch Brands, Del-Monte, Birds-Eye, Our Family.

d. 􀁆 Physicians, nurses, lab techs, and orderlies from your local hospital emergency room.

14. The reason mushroom hunters wear hot pink and aqua is:

a. 􀁆 To be seen clearly by other fungus seekers and Conservation Officers in the woods.

b. 􀁆 Because it is required of all plant collectors in Michigan.

c. 􀁆 To match your great-grandmother’s aluminum Christmas tree.

d. 􀁆 To make a bold and individual fashion statement.

15. Which of the following are body functions affected by wild mushrooms?

a. 􀁆 Talking loudly, spitting, hurling, being obnoxious at parties.

b. 􀁆 Spinning rooms, flashing lights, wild colors, aversion to bathing.

c. 􀁆 Weak bladder, erectile dysfunction, profuse sweating, bushy nose hair.

d. 􀁆 All of the above.

16. An example of unethical behavior is:

a. 􀁆 Harvesting wild mushrooms out of season.

b. 􀁆 Claiming your hamster as a dependent on your IRS 1040 income tax form.

c. 􀁆 Coating yourself in Vaseline, and rolling in cedar shavings.

d. 􀁆 A and B; C is just weird.

17. Name two places you can hunt wild mushrooms in Michigan:

a. 􀁆 State and Federal forests.

b. 􀁆 Aisle 7 at Cub Foods, and the produce section of a Super Wal-Mart.

c. 􀁆 Behind the toilet and under the sink in your bathroom.

d. 􀁆 Between your toes, and under your armpits.

18. Blind mushroom hunters may legally employ which of the following aids?

a. 􀁆 Pigs trained to root out truffles.

b. 􀁆 Sonar and dual-Doppler radar equipment.

c. 􀁆 Hand-held metal detectors.

d. 􀁆 All of the above.

19. When trapping wild mushrooms, it is illegal to do which of the following?

a. 􀁆 Set live traps or snares within 150 feet of an Arbys or Taco Bell.

b. 􀁆 Trap or snare a Shitake mushroom in Michigan.

c. 􀁆 Bait the traps or snares with pepperoni and extra cheese.

d. 􀁆 A and C.

20. Wild mushrooms can be safely used in which of the following ways?

a. 􀁆 Browned with ground beef, onions, and a little oil.

b. 􀁆 Hot-glued together to form the Faerie Mushroom Palace.

c. 􀁆 Diced and mixed with bread cubes and sage for a delicious poultry stuffing, using a machete .

d. 􀁆 Waved in front of the muzzle of a black bear to entice it to do a trick.

21. What are the 2 main goals of Mushroom Hunter Education?

a. 􀁆 To prevent mushroom hunting accidents (injuries and fatalities), and to help you find tasty pizza toppings in the woods.

b. 􀁆 To bring vast amounts of tourism in from Indiana and Ohio, and to pad our local economies with Fudgie Bucks™.

c. 􀁆 To send Fudgies deep into pine woods, where the soil is too acidic for mushroom growth, and to help locals keep the best spots secret.

d. 􀁆 All of the above.

22. You can purchase a mushroom hunting license and a copy of Michigan hunting regulations at:

a. 􀁆 Michigan DRN District Offices and Visitor Centers.

b. 􀁆 The Michigan DRN website.

c. 􀁆 Any participating pizza or sub shop.

d. 􀁆 All of the above.

23. For safe mushroom hunting you should:

a. 􀁆 Wear small bells on your clothing to scare the black bears away.

b. 􀁆 Make sure everyone in your group is wearing hot pink and aqua.

c. 􀁆 Always carry a flare gun, swampers, and a pair of snow shoes as part of your personal survival kit.

d. 􀁆 All of the above.

24. The Michigan wild mushroom hunting season:

a. 􀁆 Happens every Spring, around the beginning of May.

b. 􀁆 Is year-round, whenever you are lucky enough to stumble across some `shrooms.

c. 􀁆 Only applies to lands that are zoned as “fungus-friendly”.

d. 􀁆 Never coincides with Snipe hunting season.

Equal Rights for Ridiculous Nonsense Readers

The Department of Ridiculous Nonsense provides equal opportunities for silliness and parody to Michigan’s Natural Resources. Both State and Federal agencies had nothing whatsoever to do with the production of this document, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, national origin, religion, disability, age, sex, height, weight, body odor, marital status, ownership of gas-guzzling SUVs, being named “Ned”, wearing Spandex shorts in hot weather, or the inability to match the color of your socks, as specified under the Silly Rights Act of 2004, and the Association of Americans with Poor Fashion Sense. If you believe that you have been discriminated against in any program, activity or facility, you are cordially invited to hang a large pastrami sandwich from your left ear, and spit vigorously into the wind.

For information or assistance on hunting mushrooms, contact the Mesick Mushroom Festival Committee, Mesick, MI, 49668. But don’t ask them about this test, because they’ve never seen it before, and have no idea where it came from.

This publication is available in alternative formats and languages if you want to sit down at your word processor and make up your own version.

RegSpoof EIEIO (Ver. 04/26/04)

Don't Ask, Don't Tell . . .

As the cold winter months fade into the past and Spring officially arrives I wait patiently for the most glorious rite of the season – the coming of the great morel. This ephemeral of nature will soon be here and the search for the ever-elusive morel will begin.

I wasn’t always a shroomer. I came by this vocation quite innocently – I married into a family of orthodox shroomers. True morel hunters – the envy of all those who have ever waited for anything of importance or value to transpire. Theirs is the wait of expectance – the anticipation of the hunt for that earthy delicacy known as the Beluga caviar of the mushroom family. They spend their year marked by the vigil that encompasses their patronage to the king of all fungus – the morel. Seriously, this is a family who has owned and maintained a cabin near Crystal Mountain for the sole purpose of shrooming.

During those fleeting couple of weeks each spring, they forage through the woodlands of the Thompsonville area in search of the camouflaged heads of morels popping through the leafy tundra, in some hopes of finding the “Holy Grail” of all morels – the one to go down in history as the “Big One”.

It was my father-in-law who instilled in me the law of the land when it comes to morels. His number one rule: "Don't ask where we are going and don’t tell anyone where we've been”. And so we would set out – and under his tutelage I began to discover the lore of shrooming.

Now mind you, I hail from a noble line of foragers – having spent my childhood in and out of cranberry bogs, scouting back roads for low bush blueberries, and harvesting dandelion tops for the production of the nectar of gods – dandelion wine. Great-grandma’s special Spring Tonic as she called it. I believed it was bottled sunshine, the rows of jars gleaming in the dim light of the cellar. But nothing in my experience had prepared me for the theories and techniques surrounding mushroom hunting.

My first lesson was in proper equipment – my father-in-law made it clear no one was allowed to head into the woods unprepared. And having the appropriate walking stick and sack were high on the list of priorities. The two “S’s” – the foundation of any good hunt.

A walking stick, in my book, was any stick that supported your weight and prevented you from falling down hills and used to lift underbrush to uncover any hidden delicacies. But I quickly learned that a master shroomer had a “lucky stick” that stood in a place of honor inside the cabin and could only be used by its rightful owner. “Lucky sticks” have tales associated with them – stories of successful hunts, quirky misshapen finds and days spent in quest of the “Big One”.

And who knew a lowly sack could take on such importance! I was once chastised heavily for heading out the door with a plastic grocery bag. You would have thought I had committed a double homicide. I can still hear my father-in-law’s words ringing in my ears, “Girl, I can see they sure don’t sell common sense at that university of yours.” The proper sack, I learned that year, is preferably made from cloth or mesh, as plastic does not allow the mushrooms to breathe. Onion bags are the “IT Bag” for well-schooled shroomers. With rice bags coming in a close second.

And then there is the morel mythology . . .

• where there is one, there are many
• look outward, not downward
• always leave at least one mushroom in the woods (insures they'll be more next year)
• where you find greys, yellows will follow
• whites are the last of the season
• check under or around the May Apples
• dying or dead Elm trees, Sycamore and Ash trees are your best bets for big hauls
• always pinch or cut, do not pull them out of the ground
• the best place to hunt morels is on someone else's property
• pray to the Mushroom Gods before each hunt

My father-in-law passed away several morel seasons ago. His last trip to the cabin was spent mapping out the family’s secret spots, helping my husband commit their locations to memory. They took up their lucky sticks and slung their onion sacks over their shoulders for one last hunt together – father and son sharing tales of season’s past as they searched one final time for the “Holy Grail” of mushrooms – the elusive morel.

I anticipate the arrival of spring each year. With spring comes hope and all things renewed. My spirits are lifted, much like the sap running in the trees. We have started introducing our grandchildren to the adventure of shrooming – sharing the stories of successes and failures, of battling nature's elements, the trials and tribulations, and the importance of the two “S’s”. We are also instilling in them the golden rule of the family – “Don’t ask where we are going and don’t tell anyone where we’ve been”.

Happy Shrooming!

WebCam Technology Comes to Drummond . . .

I have been trying to sort out a live webcam feed from Drummond Island for far too long . . . The camera was tricky to sort out! UGH! The software was tricky to match to the server's platform! UGH! But this week the void was finally filled with a live feed of the view looking north from Hepler's Haven - a vacation rental cabin located just past the Four Corners.

So on any given day, at any given time during the daylight hours of a day you can:

Watch the snow melt . . .

See the deer meander . . .

Catch a glimpse of a car or two . . .

Or just get your "Island Fix" while sitting downstate in some office cubicle!

Check out the live video stream for yourself!

Hepler's Haven WebCam

Spring Cleaning . . .

I am trying to break up. With my past lives.

I am feeling the pressure to trade them in for a more mature, less cluttered one. I am, after all chronically ill, for Pete’s sake – I am expected to be a walking advertisement for one preparing to move into the final phase of a life well-lived. Especially in the material things department.

Except, that over the years I have grown crazily attached to the concept of being prepared. I have tried paring down my stuff in the past – once living the frugal life prescribed by Mother Earth News and the various publications of the Rodale Press. I did, I did – but I just ended up gathering even more paraphernalia, partly because I needed it in order to live “the simple life”, and partly because on the extremely rare occasion I threw anything away, I would find that it would suddenly take on critical importance. It would morph into a life saving tool – a scrap of information clipped from a magazine/a stub of a candle that could be remolded/buttons clipped from shirts turned cleaning rags/a paper written for some college course.

As a result, I once vowed to never, ever get rid of anything again – which means every spare space of our home is filled with things stored for some future imagined use.

Now that spring is approaching, I’m bracing myself for separation anxiety as I take on the formidable task of dunging out. And to be frank, I am also feeling quite breathless at the prospect of having clean, clutter free spaces in our home. For some reason these imagined orderly spaces are beginning to symbolize some soul cleansing quest I envision myself embarking on.

Not that my soul necessarily needs refining – but you get to a certain point in life and you wake up one morning with the realization that all the stuff you have amassed is just that – stuff.

Like a collection of golf balls each discovered while diving in locations throughout the Great Lakes and Caribbean. Do you think The Container Store has a suitable stylish box designed for life experience artifacts such as these? One that will let me sort them by type, color and location found?

I love The Container Store. What’s not to love about a store that advertises they offer “an exceptional and eclectic mix of products devoted to helping people simplify their lives”. A slogan that definitely has appeal for a reformed Earth Motherer like myself – who admittedly can’t shake a desire to simplify life despite being born with defective “clean genes”.

Peg Bracken, well known author of The I Hate to Housekeep Book, has clumped housekeepers into three types: spotless (won’t stop), spotful (won’t start), and random. I fall in to the random group – my heart is in the right place, but when it comes to housekeeping, I’d rather be doing nearly anything else, and generally am. Which explains my own personal invention for oven cleaning – simply let the run-overs bake on high until charcoaled and then vacuum.

But back to the dunging out dilemma – how do you know what can be eliminated and what should be saved for prosperity? Thoreau claims, “Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.” But as I sort through the details of my life I, like Bracken and her housekeepers, have discovered there are three distinct categories: the obvious toss outs, the sentimental saves and those things that fall in the DMZ. You know, that no-man’s land of accumulated things – like golf balls found diving. You have no idea how or why you started collecting them. They will never serve any purpose in preparing you for life’s unexpected moments. But they sure do bring back a flood of memories as you attempt to toss the whole kit-and-caboodle into the trash.

And so here I sit, with the detritus of my life piled around me and I am reminded of what Stanley Kunitz once wrote, “Live in the layers, not on the litter.” Golf balls definitely fall into the litter category – even if The Container Store can come up with a solution for stylishly storing them!

It’s not our things that change, it is we who change in relationship to them.

March Mud Madness . . .

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."
- Doug Larson

The Return of the Common Loon . . .

 

From far out in the center of the naked lake

the loon's cry rose . . .

it was the cry of someone who owned very little.

- Robert Bly

With spring comes the return of the Common Loon to the waters surrounding Drummond Island. I can't wait to hear their cries echo through the mist . . .

Sunday Drive . . .

"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving."

~Lao Tzu

There is something nostalgic about a Sunday drive. Perhaps it is because growing up I spent many a Sunday afternoon in the backseat of my parents' car , exploring the back roads of the Eastern Upper Peninsula.

The road is the thing - not what lies at it's end. Driving too fast means you miss all that you are driving for.

There's just something very peaceful and refreshing about riding back country roads. I'm talking about way-y-y back in the country - so far back that you can stop in the middle of the road (to take pictures, of course) and not even think about who's behind you. Rolling the windows down and enjoying the cool country air as you meander.

Looking back I have to smile at all the back road adventures I have been on. When all said and done the mile markers fade, scratches buff out and mud washes off - but the road less traveled will always be there to call to the soul of adventurers looking to see what is around the bend.

Where are you going to explore in 2010?