A tongue-in-cheek look at shrooming safety - shared by fellow shroomer Reg Klubeck. Enjoy!
MICHIGAN DEPARTMENT OF RIDICULOUS NONSENSE
FUNGUS ENFORCEMENT DIVISION
MUSHROOM HUNTER SAFETY EDUCATION EXAM
As required under the authority of Act 48236, M.I. 2004 as amended, to qualify for a license to hunt mushrooms
INSTRUCTIONS:
This exam consists of 24 questions, half are true and false and half are multiple choice. At least 20 have to be answered correctly to pass this exam.
TRUE OR FALSE: Read each exam statement carefully, to the left of the questions, place an X in the box under the T if the statement is true or under the F if the statement is false. Make certain the answer marked corresponds to the question you are working on.
T F
1. When eating a wild mushroom, it is not necessary to know if it is poisonous or not as long as you have a strong stomach.
3. Morel mushrooms may be purchased in cans at the supermarket.
4. You are responsible for obeying fungus hunting laws, even if you are allergic to mushrooms.
5. Hypothermia is the term for when you sauté mushrooms in lightly salted water.
7. Telling others where you are going to hunt mushrooms is not necessary, because you would never get lost in the woods, would you?
8. Morel spawn has been domesticated, and can now be grown at home.
9. Beefsteak mushrooms get their name from the fact that they grow near cow pastures.
10. Never carry Beefsteak and Morel mushrooms in the same bag, as they might cross-pollinate, and Button Mushrooms could result.
11. Fall is the only time when you can hunt mushrooms from an elevated platform.
MULTIPLE CHOICE: Read each statement carefully, place an X in the correct box (A, B, C or D) to the left of the questions which best completes the statement. Make certain that the answer marked corresponds to the question you are working on.
13. Which includes 4 funding sources for Mushroom Hunter Education?
a. State Wildlife Agencies, Local Businesses, Walt Disney World, You.
b. Pittman-Robertson Funds, Roth IRAs, secure Swiss bank accounts, undiversified stock portfolios.
c. Pennsylvania Dutch Brands, Del-Monte, Birds-Eye, Our Family.
d. Physicians, nurses, lab techs, and orderlies from your local hospital emergency room.
a. To be seen clearly by other fungus seekers and Conservation Officers in the woods.
b. Because it is required of all plant collectors in Michigan.
c. To match your great-grandmother’s aluminum Christmas tree.
d. To make a bold and individual fashion statement.
15. Which of the following are body functions affected by wild mushrooms?
a. Talking loudly, spitting, hurling, being obnoxious at parties.
b. Spinning rooms, flashing lights, wild colors, aversion to bathing.
c. Weak bladder, erectile dysfunction, profuse sweating, bushy nose hair.
d. All of the above.
16. An example of unethical behavior is:
a. Harvesting wild mushrooms out of season.
b. Claiming your hamster as a dependent on your IRS 1040 income tax form.
c. Coating yourself in Vaseline, and rolling in cedar shavings.
d. A and B; C is just weird.
a. State and Federal forests.
b. Aisle 7 at Cub Foods, and the produce section of a Super Wal-Mart.
c. Behind the toilet and under the sink in your bathroom.
d. Between your toes, and under your armpits.
18. Blind mushroom hunters may legally employ which of the following aids?
a. Pigs trained to root out truffles.
b. Sonar and dual-Doppler radar equipment.
c. Hand-held metal detectors.
d. All of the above.
19. When trapping wild mushrooms, it is illegal to do which of the following?
a. Set live traps or snares within 150 feet of an Arbys or Taco Bell.
c. Bait the traps or snares with pepperoni and extra cheese.
d. A and C.
20. Wild mushrooms can be safely used in which of the following ways?
a. Browned with ground beef, onions, and a little oil.
b. Hot-glued together to form the Faerie Mushroom Palace.
c. Diced and mixed with bread cubes and sage for a delicious poultry stuffing, using a machete .
d. Waved in front of the muzzle of a black bear to entice it to do a trick.
21. What are the 2 main goals of Mushroom Hunter Education?
a. To prevent mushroom hunting accidents (injuries and fatalities), and to help you find tasty pizza toppings in the woods.
b. To bring vast amounts of tourism in from Indiana and Ohio, and to pad our local economies with Fudgie Bucks™.
c. To send Fudgies deep into pine woods, where the soil is too acidic for mushroom growth, and to help locals keep the best spots secret.
d. All of the above.
a. Michigan DRN District Offices and Visitor Centers.
b. The Michigan DRN website.
c. Any participating pizza or sub shop.
d. All of the above.
23. For safe mushroom hunting you should:
a. Wear small bells on your clothing to scare the black bears away.
b. Make sure everyone in your group is wearing hot pink and aqua.
c. Always carry a flare gun, swampers, and a pair of snow shoes as part of your personal survival kit.
d. All of the above.
a. Happens every Spring, around the beginning of May.
b. Is year-round, whenever you are lucky enough to stumble across some `shrooms.
c. Only applies to lands that are zoned as “fungus-friendly”.
d. Never coincides with Snipe hunting season.
Equal Rights for Ridiculous Nonsense Readers
The Department of Ridiculous Nonsense provides equal opportunities for silliness and parody to Michigan’s Natural Resources. Both State and Federal agencies had nothing whatsoever to do with the production of this document, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, national origin, religion, disability, age, sex, height, weight, body odor, marital status, ownership of gas-guzzling SUVs, being named “Ned”, wearing Spandex shorts in hot weather, or the inability to match the color of your socks, as specified under the Silly Rights Act of 2004, and the Association of Americans with Poor Fashion Sense. If you believe that you have been discriminated against in any program, activity or facility, you are cordially invited to hang a large pastrami sandwich from your left ear, and spit vigorously into the wind.
For information or assistance on hunting mushrooms, contact the Mesick Mushroom Festival Committee, Mesick, MI, 49668. But don’t ask them about this test, because they’ve never seen it before, and have no idea where it came from.
This publication is available in alternative formats and languages if you want to sit down at your word processor and make up your own version.
RegSpoof EIEIO (Ver. 04/26/04)
2 comments:
Well... there I is! ;.)
Yes - there you is! Thanks for sharing this with me back when I first posted it. I loved it then and still love it now. Always good for a giggle or two. Cheers!
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